I wonder. Do you get anxious? Maybe try too hard and everything comes out wrong? You hear something come out of your mouth that isn’t you and try to stuff it back in but, of course, it’s much too late and all eyes are on you, thinking, “Can you believe she just said that?” It was one of those kinds of days.
I left my Island bed at 3:50 am, showered, drove in the dark to the ferry. Crossed over to Tsawwassen in 2 hours. Traffic was heavy and it took twice as long as usual from there to UBC. I arrived in time to pay for parking and squeak into class before the 9:00 bell. But, I was not in a quiet, contemplative space from which to contribute to discussion or hear or engage well at all.
Oh, I made judgments with too much emotion. My tone – lacking in formality for the setting – met with rolled eyes from one exasperated colleague. There went the last of my confidence and the rest was a downhill slide into sulkdom.
Three hours later, feeling like a stupid, middle aged hick, I got in my car and drove to an appointment, only to end up circling between arrivals, departures, and car rental returns at the airport. I meant to be in Steveston. Oh, for a bath and a hot cup of mint tea. Those hash-a-bonies (as my granddaughter calls them) were unwelcome company today; whispering nasty, tricksy, mean and awful things, as they do.
I am reminded of something my prof said in class not long ago. “We have a graced history”. As I look back on the day, I see it’s true. I met with my Spiritual Director this afternoon and the sweetness of the Spirit was alive and present between us. I was able to laugh at myself, feel the generous peace and overwhelming love of God, who does not judge me or roll His eyes at my ridiculousness. Together we affirmed the gifts that grow us up, however painful they are in the receiving. I need humility and making a fool of myself is one way to get there – though I wouldn’t recommend it.
In an hour, I will drive back to the ferry to collect my husband who thinks it worth his while to spend an overnight with me before he goes back to work nightshift tomorrow. Yes, I am broken and frail and stupid sometimes. But I am also compassionate, thoughtful, and kind. Always, I am loved. What grace!